Ebola and the CDC: The Onion Got It Pretty Close in 2010

CDC Officials Announce Free Ice Cream For Everyone, Delicious Tasty Ice Cream, And Also There Is An Ebola Outbreak (June 15, 2010)

ATLANTA—In a sudden, unscheduled announcement Tuesday, officials from the Centers for Disease Control revealed that they were giving away free ice cream, had enough of the frozen dessert for everyone, and that, by the way, there had also been an outbreak of the deadly Ebola virus in the United States.

CDC chief Thomas Frieden tells citizens not to panic and that they can have as many toppings as they want.

CDC director Thomas R. Frieden led the emergency press conference, during which he called for all Americans to step right up and get as much of the tasty ice cream as they wanted, and, in unrelated news, 162 Ebola-related deaths have been reported in 12 states.

“Strawberry, chocolate, butter pecan—so many delicious flavors,” said Frieden, who added that this just had to be the greatest day ever, and how could anyone have a care in the world, what with all this free ice cream up for grabs. “We also have sundaes and sorbets and, look at us, we’re all having such a wonderful time!”

Continued Frieden, clearing his throat, “The Ebola virus attacks white blood cells indiscriminately, eventually leading to systemic organ failure as the infected individual literally dissolves from the inside out. There is a 10 percent chance of survival.”

Bringing a large spoon of rocky road to his lips, Frieden went on to explain that the CDC was still not sure how the lethal hemorrhagic fever had originated, why it was spreading and mutating at such an alarming rate, or whether the agency was even remotely prepared to deal with the deadly pandemic expected to overtake the country within 72 hours.

Stricken with vomiting, diarrhea, and inflamed larynxes, Ebola victims hemmorhage violently and wait to claim their free cones.

The only thing he knew for sure, Frieden told reporters, was that ice cream was always creamy and delicious, so let’s not even worry about all that other stuff, and just dig in already.

“I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!” shouted CDC spokesperson Martha Hare, who joined Frieden up on stage and began frantically handing out cartons of the sweet summertime dessert to all in attendance. “Those shrieks, they are definitely for ice cream. Those shrieks, they are not in any way the result of sudden ocular hemorrhaging. Yes, everyone is having a delightful time screaming their heads off about ice cream.”

“Look!” Hare continued. “Look at all these crunchy waffle cones!”

According to officials, federal response teams are currently setting up triage units all across the country and urging every citizen to “go ahead and put some chocolate sauce right on top of that ice cream now, because within 21 days, none of this is going to matter anyway.” . . .

Though epidemiologists have predicted the Ebola virus will utterly devastate the populace, the economy, and the entire civilization of the United States, most are taking the terrifying news in stride.

“Oh, man, this is so, so good,” said Seattle resident Michael Sturges, his eyes rolling back in his head as his inflamed orifices excreted a relentless flow of liquefied waste. “Cookies and cream! Mmm-hmm. It’s the best.”

(For the complete article, click the link.)

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