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John Cleese on Europe’s Reaction to Syria

Posted on September 2, 2013

ALERTS TO THREATS
IN 2013 EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s Get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,

John Cleese

British writer, actor and tall person

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17 thoughts on “John Cleese on Europe’s Reaction to Syria

  1. delightful. I presume he dictated this whilst hanging outside a window by his feet (as in 'A Fish called Wanda'). Also has valid insight
    Dave , forward-usa.org

  2. "Brilliant observations"

    From a British small person.

  3. "British writer, actor and tall person"

    And ex-minister of silly walks.

  4. Funniest news flash I've read in a long time….loved it.

  5. Danno, you forgot to mention irritated Inn Keeper !

  6. Great one, John. I need to read more of your stuff. Sending this one along.

  7. Other sites are suggesting it wasn't written by Cleese.

  8. My fawlt.

  9. Who cares? Laughter is the best medicine and this is a dose and a half. Thanks to whomever wrote it….

  10. Weston,
    Dang it!
    Why spoil a perfectly great funny!!
    Thanks because this means even more could be added on!!!

  11. John Cleese truly is a very funny & talented writer & actor, but remember folks, the English have had Marxist(Anti-Christ & written to be the ONLY unforgivable SIN) ideology since at least the 1880'sAD! That's exactly why our CIA created the 60's British music Invasion! p.s. Unlike brother England, we(u.s.) get the two-witnesses described in Revelation, chapter 11 because our spiritual father Yahweh & his son & our savior & high priest Yahshua always punish his chosen people Israel by the seed of Joseph FIRST, INCLUDING Judah! Starting October 5th, the next Annual Feast of Trumpets(war)? Watch…

  12. victor get a life.

  13. October 5th, 2013, not to far from now, YOU may need a life yourself Allan! Watch! America, please keep me informed…I'm just saying…

  14. When I need a good laugh, John Cleese comes through. Fawlty Towers, anyone?

  15. John Cleese has, it seems, covered it all under his “stylish" views and comments!
    One could find it amusing, even perhaps laughable, but surely not stylish?
    This is precisely why the US are where they are today on the ground of Foreing policy: Standing ALONE due to the lack of understanding of what ‘Diplomacy” is all about!
    This published “reaction” is not just derogatory. It is an insult to the memory of many people in Europe.
    The fact is that an entity called the UN has a Security Council manned by several countries sitting there to discuss issues as well as supposedly “policing" the world. The US alone cannot decide what is meant to be good or not, true or false, a matter principle or not.
    By the way John – Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?
    Have you ever being involved personally in a war? Surely not, because should it be the case, you would be more sensitive about the way you write…
    It is so much easier to write from behind a desk than to actually decide in real-time as part of a theater of operations with people losing their lives around you. But you know all about that John?

  16. Come on, Bruno, where is your sense of humor? The world would be a more peaceful place if more people took themselves less seriously.